Reactions and Projections

 I've been engaging in online debates over a variety of topics over the years... many years.  In fact, there was a time when you could reasonably say that I had become addicted.  I think the reason was that nothing frustrates me more than being misunderstood, and if there's one thing you can count on in an online debate, it's that people are going to misunderstand you, either unintentionally or deliberately.

It's easy to understand why our statements can be misunderstood when engaging in a discussion on a web forum or a real-time chat environment like Discord.  Human beings don't simply communicate through words.  We also use tone and body language to complement what we're saying.  I read somewhere that something like 80% of human communication is nonverbal.  Just let that sink in.  When you're discussing in an environment where all you have is the typed word, you are, at best, communicating at 20% effectiveness.  It's a wonder that we can communicate in this way at all.

Now add to that factors like bias, emotions and Internet anonymity.  It's so very easy to misinterpret someone's intent... and when that person is saying things you don't like, it's a lot harder to give the benefit of the doubt.  Being close personal friends with someone isn't always much of a help either.  I have lost count of how many times I've misinterpreted the tone of close friends when texting with them.  It's led to more than one argument that probably never would have taken place had the initial discussion been in person, or at the very least on the phone, where tone of voice would have helped.

So imagine.  There you are, typing out responses in a debate with somebody you have never met, arguing over some minor point or another, and because you disagree, your inclination (subconsciously) is to interpret the other person's tone as hostile.  They're doing the same thing back, so it comes as no surprise that not only for such things to devolve into mean-spirited nastiness in a real hurry, but even over topics that are totally unimportant in the grand scheme of things can lead to people being at their absolute worst.

I remember many years back, I was reading an interesting Star Wars-related website that went into technical analyses of various things from the Star Wars universe.  There was an attached web forum for fans to discuss.  And it absolutely blew my mind.  Imagine a debate between a Star Wars fan and a Star Trek fan over which would prevail in a battle between an Imperial Star Destroyer and a Federation Galaxy-class starship (Like the Enterprise-D).

Now, I think debates like that are a waste of time anyway because how can you possibly know things like the chemical composition of the hull of a Star Destroyer or the total energy output of a sustained phaser blast... Seems to me like it's all speculation anyway, so there isn't a lot to argue about, really.  But hoo-boy... The people on this forum...  I've seen a heated debate or two in my day, but this was unreal.  Imagine people hurling the most vicious verbal attacks on each other over a bunch of imaginary spaceships.  People hoping for the most terrible things to happen to each other, calling each other nasty and vile names...  It was nuts!

So if people get that worked up over imaginary spaceships, you can only imagine how much worse it can get when debating politics or religion.  This is why most web forums and chat applications have moderators, so things don't get that bad, but you can still see the venom and derision in the way people address each other.  I used to be one such person, I'm ashamed to say.  I kept myself on forums where there was moderation, so thankfully, I never wished anyone a fiery death, but I do vividly remember trying to think of ways to word my responses to include as much contempt and smugness as I could possibly muster.  Keep in mind that people communicate at 20%.  

And it's funny because there's no way to know how they'd act toward each other if they were face-to-face.  Would they come to blows?  Would they even discuss?  People tend to be a lot more polite when they're within punching distance.    

So generally, I avoid those kinds of things now.  And yet...

And yet I seem to step in it from time to time.

I have been a member of a particular Discord server on and off for a couple of years.  It's Christian-themed.  By Christian, I'm saying it wasn't attached to any particular Christian tradition.  It had been a website before that, which I was a member of for quite a number of years, and I have always found the owners to be pretty kind and reasonable people.  We even played Dungeons & Dragons together for a while.  

The members, on the other hand... Well, that varied.  And on this Discord server, I often had to weigh the pros and cons of commenting on things.  I was never looking for arguments, but more often than not, if it came out that I was a Latter-Day Saint, you could count on one or two people launching verbal attacks my way.  In the past, I'd engage, but that was a younger, more foolish me.  In more recent times, I'd just say that I was always up for a friendly and civil discussion, but I refused to take time out of my day to humor people who just wanted to be nasty.  Such people hate it when you do that, but it does work pretty well, and it's something I'll continue to do.

This recent series of posts of mine here on this blog was in response to somebody from that Discord server who wasn't being nasty for its own sake and seemed to be a far more reasonable person.  So, I'd gladly have had those discussions with him, but as you can imagine, there would always be others who wanted to butt in and make it as contentious as they could.

So I don't visit that server much these days.  Just not really worth it.  Besides, my hobbies have drifted away from the kinds of things spoken about in environments like that, where most of the people are young adults.  I'm a model builder and a classic car restorer.  I don't play many video games these days.  

That said, there's still one thing that irks me just a little bit.  And that's being misunderstood, as I mentioned at the top of this post.  As I've said dozens of times (at least) I don't have any problem at all with disagreement.  Life would be pretty boring if everyone agreed on everything.  But I will respond to false information.  I feel it's a duty to the truth.  

Being offended isn't what motivates me.  When somebody offends you, you owe it to yourself to take it in stride and keep your emotions in check.  As Brigham Young said,    “He who takes offense when offense was not intended is a fool, yet he who takes offense when offense is intended is an even greater fool, for he has succumbed to the will of his adversary.”  I have tried to live by that because it is a pretty good quote.  When somebody is not trying to offend you, it's foolish to take offense.  What's the purpose of doing so?  It just muddies the waters of discussion and can take a friendly encounter and turn it hostile.  Even more important is to keep calm when someone is deliberately trying to be offensive, because then you're just giving them control over your emotional state.  How is that a good thing?

So our friend from the blog I was previously responding to reached out to me after having read my rebuttal.  I don't know how much of it he read.  All of it or just the first post or two?  No idea.  He believed (and probably still does) that I was offended that he didn't discuss LDS theology with kid gloves.  Why would that offend me?  Why would I expect him to handle it with kid gloves?  That idea didn't make any sense to me at all.  Who knows?  Maybe he was offended that I didn't just swallow his arguments and was projecting.  Humans do that sometimes, don't we?

He was probably reacting to the places where I commented about his lack of civility in some of his statements.  Was I offended?  No, but I do think it's worthwhile to point out that you don't get to present yourself as being reasonable and polite while calling someone else's beliefs an abomination.  Pick a lane and be consistent, at least.  So yes, I commented on it.  Doesn't mean I'm offended; it just means I'm not exactly convinced that there was a pure and objective motive behind those comments.    

In that discussion, he didn't mention any of the points that I raised.  That surprised me because I was certain he'd want to re-engage.  Maybe he has stuff going on in life and wasn't feeling it.  Maybe he's somebody who has a lot more confidence when there are others around to give him support.  Maybe he just didn't have any answers.  I don't know.  My ego would like me to believe that I just made such amazing, whiz-bang points that he retreated, but that's pretty arrogant, and I really don't think that to be true.  My somewhat more humble hope is that I gave him some things to think about.  Am I trying to convert him?  No, that isn't my intention.  I'd have made a lousy missionary.  What I do hope for is a better understanding on his part and others'.  I'd rather be hated for what I believe than mocked for things I don't.  

But then, I doubt that's a unique feeling.